My journey began in January of 2012. I was 6 months pregnant
with my first baby, a little girl. I was attending a childbirth prep class with
my husband that was required for all moms who were delivering at our designated
hospital. We entered into the classroom with other soon to be moms and dads.
Everything was going great, until the teacher began talking about epidurals.
She went into detail about what the epidural is, how it works, what the side
effects were, etc. The entire time I had this horrible knot in my stomach and
feelings of fear. As soon as my husband and I got into our car to leave, I
started bawling. My husband asked what was wrong. I told him I didn’t think I
could have the epidural. Something about it just didn’t sit well with me. I
cried on and off the rest of the day and the entire next day, at which point I
told myself that everything was going to be ok. I would just talk to my doctor
at my next visit and find out what other options were available.
At my next
doctor visit, I told my doctor my concerns. I asked him what other options I
had. He reassured me or at least he tried to reassure me that the epidural was
perfectly safe and that I shouldn’t worry about it. I asked again about other
options. I will never forget his response. He said, “Either you have the
epidural or you don’t”. That was it. I rushed home and started to do my own
research. I found out about doulas and
the Bradley method, but there was nothing available where we lived. I tried talking to friends and family, but
everyone thought I was crazy to even think about not getting the epidural. After
a lot of mental anguish, I decided that I would not be able to have natural
childbirth without any resources or support. The only option I had available
was to get the epidural. I had accepted my fate even though I knew that deep
down it was not what I wanted.
Around
midnight on April 21, 2012, my water broke. I hadn’t even packed my hospital
bag yet. I rushed around throwing things in a bag and headed to the hospital.
When I arrived, the nurses confirmed that my water had indeed broken and that
there was a good chance my baby had swallowed meconium. The nurses told me I
needed to have Pitocin. I need what? Can I talk to my doctor first? But my
doctor was nowhere to be found. The nurses added that I would not even see the
doctor on call until the morning, unless of course my baby came before then. I
tried to postpone the Pitocin, but the nurses kept saying that if I waited too
long that the baby could be in danger. Finally, I gave in. Almost immediately
after giving me the Pitocin, the nurses kept asking if I was ready for the
epidural. I kept telling them I was fine for now. They kept pushing and
pushing. They were saying if I waited until the pain was bad that it would take
so long for the anesthesiologist to come, and I would be in unbearable pain.
For fear of future pain, I finally gave in again and got the epidural. My labor
was slow, very slow, so slow that the epidural started to wear off. The nurses’
response, you’ll need to get the epidural topped off before you start pushing.
OK, I guess top me off. A second time,
the epidural started to wear off. The nurses said you’ll be pushing soon. So, I
had a third dose of the drugs.
Finally it was time to push. I
couldn’t feel a thing. It took 45 minutes of pushing, and my baby girl was
born. They whisked her away to the other side of the room to get suctioned. I
tried to look around the crowd of nurses standing around my baby, but I couldn’t
see a thing. I could hear her crying, but that was it. After about five
minutes, I asked if I could see her. The doctor said that they were going to go
ahead and do the newborn procedures while they worked on me. Worked on me? Why
were they working on me? I asked if something was wrong. She said that I still
hadn’t stopped bleeding. All I wanted to do was make sure my baby was alright,
and now I was bombarded with thoughts of am I going to be alright? About an
hour after my baby was born, all the doctors cleared the room, and I was
finally able to see and hold my little girl.
My husband handed her to me, and within
seconds I started shaking uncontrollably. I told him to take her back. We
called the nurses back in to ask what was wrong with me. Apparently shaking was
part of the withdrawal from the epidural medicine, the medicine that I had been
pumped up with not once or twice, but three times. I remember shaking, being
scared, and hearing my baby cry. All she wanted was her mommy, and all I wanted
was to be there for her, but I had no control over my body, and I was afraid I
would drop her. After about an hour, the shaking stopped. Two hours after her
birth, I could finally hold my little girl. She was absolutely precious. I was
in love. Although everything had worked out in the end, I was still haunted by
the sounds of her crying for two straight hours. Crying for her mommy, when I
couldn’t be there for her. I didn’t fight hard enough for her or for myself to
get what I knew was best for us. Deep down I knew that the epidural was not for
me, and I was right.
Fast forward to November 2013, I
was pregnant again. This time I was determined to have the birth that I knew
was right for me. I read books, and I did research. I spoke to my new doctor
early on about my desire for natural childbirth, and he was 100% supportive. I
worked with a Bradley instructor and wrote a birth plan. Then I made a
discovery that changed my life forever. I ran across a music therapy continuing
education course on Sound Birthing. I thought, this is great, I can take this
class, I can get credits that I need to renew my music therapist license, and I
can learn something that might help me prepare for my labor and delivery. After
speaking with the instructor and getting some information about the course, I
soon realized that the training would be too intensive for me to do, while
pregnant and being a stay at home mom to a 2 year old. I told the instructor
that it wasn’t going to work out for me to take the class. I never expected
what happened next. She told me that she was piloting out a new Sound Birthing
program called Birth Music Consultation, and that she was currently working
with volunteers while she worked out the last few kinks on the program. She
asked me if I wanted to be a volunteer. Yes! I was so excited to have the
opportunity to go through the Sound Birthing program as a client.
As I looked through my client
packet, I found lots of research on how music helps with pain management,
anxiety, and with the labor process. I was already familiar with a lot of this
information, because of my music therapy background, and I was excited to get
started. After completing intake forms and listening to playlists, I was given
my personalized playlists and plans for how to use music to support the birth
that I wanted. Then it was up to me to practice. Every night I turned on the
music and completed my exercises. I loved my nightly practice sessions. After
chasing around a crazy toddler all day, it was nice to take some me time and
relax. The exercise that had the most impact on me was when I was supposed to
talk to my baby while listening to a song focused on mother baby bonding. For
the first week that I completed this exercise, I told my new baby all about
what was going on in my life. By the end of the week, I made a stunning
revelation. Everything that I told this new baby was about her older sister. I
was a stay at home mom, and my daughter was everything to me, the center of my
world. Things were about to change. From that point on, I made sure that my new
baby was the focus of our nightly chats. This shift really helped me prepare
for the new family dynamic that was soon to be. I practiced my Sound Birthing
exercises every night, and my due date came and went.
For a few days I would start having
contractions, that would get closer and closer together, and then after an hour
they would taper off and stop. After two days of this, I was so frustrated. On
the night of August 21, 2014, the contractions started just as my husband and I
were getting into bed. I told him that I wasn’t even going to time the
contractions any more. I had been timing contractions for days, and I was tired
of it. I tried to go to sleep, but the contractions kept coming. After about an
hour, I decided I should start timing them again. Two hours passed and my
contractions hadn’t slowed down yet, so we headed to the hospital. I was sure
they were going to send me home, but after they checked me out, I was admitted.
When we got to the birthing suite,
we started the meditation music, dimmed the lights, and got comfortable, and
believe it or not, I slept. I slept through my contractions for about two hours
with the music playing in the background. My contractions started getting more
intense, so I decided to try some of the other techniques we learned in Bradley
class. My poor husband tried rubbing my back, but his touch just amplified the
pain of my contractions by 1000%. I had to tell him not to touch me. I tried
the rice sock; it did nothing. I walked around the unit a few times, but the
pain was too intense so I headed back to my room. I decided to just focus on
the music, and it worked. I didn’t need any other fancy interventions, just me
and the music. I got into a groove with the music and my contractions. The pain
was actually manageable. I can’t say for sure how long I was in the zone, but
things started to get more intense, so I asked the nurse to check me. I was at
an 8! Ok, I can do this. I rolled over to my side and started to feel the urge
to push. The nurse had just checked me a minute maybe two before, but I told
her that I was really feeling like I needed to push and asked if she could
check me again. I was at a 10. She left to get the doctor. My husband and I
were alone in the room, and it seemed like an eternity of trying not to push
before the doctor came in. I used all my power to not push until finally I got
the green light. Two short pushes and my baby was born. She was handed to me
immediately. I kept asking them if everything was ok, because she did not make
a peep. She just snuggled up in my arms and was content. Everybody left the
room and my husband and I were alone with our baby, peaceful in my arms, for
two full hours. I had done it! I had given birth without an epidural and it was
fantastic. Two hours after my baby was born, we were moved to another room,
baby still in my arms. My recovery was easy, my baby didn’t cry, everything was
perfect.
Days, weeks, and months passed, and
I was still in awe of my experience. I don’t think I could have gotten through
my labor without the music and without the preparation I had received through
my nightly practice sessions. I looked back fondly on this birth, but still had
a twinge of sadness. Why wasn’t my first birth like this? Then it came to me. I
knew what I was meant to do. I was meant to help others to have a positive
birth experience. I completed the Sound Birthing Birth Music Consultation
training, the exact same program that I had used, and I started my business,
Birth, Babies, and Bach. I founded Birth, Babies, and Bach on the belief that
every baby should be born on a happy note. Every mom is different, and every
baby is different, but we all deserve the chance to have the birth that we
desire. My goal is to empower moms, give them the knowledge of what their
options are, and give them the tools needed to follow their path. I am honored
to have the opportunity to help moms write their own birth story that hopefully
ends with happily ever after.
